Bill Paxton Memorial Region
1. Endless Tacos
9. Giant Anthropomorphic Eggplant that s Grenades
The Eggplant's explosive excrements can only destroy so many Tacos, but they just keep on coming. He attempts to eat his way through several of them to refuel his grenade supply, but they don't agree with his digestive system and he explodes from the deadly combination of his own grenades and taco diarrhea.
5. Sinking Depression of Remembering Robin Williams Killed Himself
Now this is an interesting matchup. Robin Williams was a living legend who brought joy and humour to people around the world. Harambe was a random zoo animal, an unknown, unheard of, nobody-in-particular, who propelled to internet superstardom and brought a morbid sense of joy and humour to people around the world only after he died. No joke, I decided this one on a coin flip.
3. PBJ the Size of Maine
6. Bill Belichick in an Ironclad Warship
As obnoxious as Bill and his mighty Warship are, they can't really do much against this delicious, gargantuan, Peanut Butter and Jam sandwich.
2. The Sinking Depression of Living in Trump's America
A sudden inconvenient obstruction to your ultimate goal VS the long-term misery, uncertainty, and unfathomable stupidity that'll stick around for four years minimum. No contest.
GD Batman Memorial Region
1. Sacred Moose Leg of Flin Flon, Manitoba
9. Accidental Curly Fry
The Curly Fry might have a better chance at winning if it were a sacred object that had the ability to start a brawl because your opponent merely touches it.
5. Outback's new 3-Point Bloomin' Onion
13. The TV Guide Channel
Stare at the TV Guide Channel long enough and you'll get bored. But one look at Outback's ludicrous menu item will make you feel really hungry or really sick. I think this thing has potential down the line.
3. Nostalgia Boner
6. Breakfast for Dinner
Between Star Wars, Jurassic Park, Pokemon, Marvel, DC, Pokemon, Star Wars, Pokemon, Pokemon, and Pokemon, there's plenty of nostalgia to go around and it's all the rage these days. Occasionally to the point of being downright insufferable. On the flipside, how often do people have breakfast for dinner?
2. THX sound before movies
10. Tangled Slinky
Not even this loud and powerful sound is enough to untangle a Slinky.
Sentinel Prime Memorial Region
1. Anti-Trump Bald Eagle
9. Ancient Aliens' Robot Osiris
The Ancient Alien Robot that can pull itself back together sounds unbeatable in theory, but this is the Eagle that made the now-President of the United States cower in fear. The Eagle will emerge victorious with its resilient, stubborn, don't-give-a-crap fighting spirit.
4. Buffalo Sabres' skate-wearing buffalo
5. Team Israel's WBC Mascot
This one's a bit difficult to judge because I've never seen this elusive unused Sabres logo. The Team Israel mascot is cute and inoffensive on the surface, but no matter how you look at it, it's a stereotypical, and maybe self-deprecating, caricature of an ethnoreligious group. Made in 2017. I think it wins based on that crazy fact alone.
3. Russell, MB Goalie Beer Thief
11. Freaky Mr. Rogers Statue
Stick that thing outside (or for hilarious effect, inside) a shop and it would scare away even the greatest and toughest of hockey goalies.
2. OG Aaron Burr
10. Tom Brady's Sex Toy
Another coin flip because I don't know anything about Aaron Burr. I'm not doing well so far.
Bernie Kosar Knows What it Means to be a Cleveland Brown Region
9. 1974 Winnebago
16. Kellyanne Conway's Next True Statement
This caravan ain't buying her crap for one second. But it might run her over.
4. Chimp Biker Gang - Darwin's Disciples
Darwin's Disciples must have balls to be casually driving through the Motor City... I guess. I dunno. I've heard things and running gags about Detroit but don't know much about the place. As a result I'm having a hard time making up something funny that hasn't already been said. Gotta go with the GToV mainstay.
6. Real Life Sharknado
14. Russian Dash Cam
Somehow the accidents and bad driving on display from Russian Dash Cam footage manages to be even more absurd than the idea of a Real Life Sharknado. You just couldn't make that up.
10. Righteous Indignation of Keith Olbermann
15. Wonder Sauna Hot Pants
Another coin flip. Gadammit.