Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
the admiral

aisle seat on a plane, second-to-last row, and everyone's peeing

71 posts in this topic

We even took off late because some dude with a bladder like a grain of sand had to use the bathroom before takeoff, so we lost our place in line and had to wait another 15 minutes. 

Another one of America's thinkers popped three or four overhead bins open to stuff his bag in, lacking the critical thinking necessary to realize the closed bins must be full and the open ones must still have space. A flight attendant had to explain it to him before he could take his seat. He's watching Fox News now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is still going on. I've seen shorter lines for rollercoasters. Honestly, I'd rather all these people give up and piss themselves if it means people will stop bumping my right elbow. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you've learned a lesson for future flight seat selection.

 

I generally don't use airplane toilets because I'm blessed with a strong bladder. However when I do I like walking back to my seat and seeing all the people watching pirated TV shows and movies (like you do).

 

Where are you going? Someplace fun?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was in Florida, had fun. I'm flying back to Chicago via New York. I didn't select the seat myself.

I've never successfully used a flying bathroom; I thought I had to but realized I didn't have to enough. I can't believe people have banged in those.

 

The urination situation has not gotten better. We're like twenty minutes from landing. HOLD IT, BABIES REAL AND FIGURATIVE

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Try being my height and using an airplane bathroom.

 

It's like attempting a trick shot while playing horse.

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This one time, on an Air Serbia flight from Riga LV to Belgrade (via Vienna), I had to break my rule about pooping on an airline and blew the thing up from beginning to end.  I was seated in the back near the toilet, which was good, because every time I sat down and re-buckled my seatbelt, I had to just get right up and go again.  The stewardesses on the flight were 5'10" goddesses (in hot stewardess outfits no less) and I saw them every time I entered and exited the toilet, which was extremely embarrassing.

 

  My first Balkan experience after landing at Tesla was to blow up an airport toilet.  And I mean blow it the :censored: up.  Like I'm not sure how I didn't lose 15 lbs from that experience.  I guess given the consistency it was really more like peeing out of my butt rather than pooping, so maybe that's why.

5 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've easily been on over 200 different flights, not counting helicopter rides. I have no problems with using airplane bathrooms, I just am pretty good about going beforehand and the military taught me great control in that regard. Plus, I generally choose window seats and would rather avoid playing ass-or-crotch, mid-air. These days, I usually stay up a little late the night before the flight and just nap through my air-time.

 

All-in-all, I'd rather hit up an airport one, though. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

2 hours ago, the admiral said:

We even took off late because some dude with a bladder like a grain of sand had to use the bathroom before takeoff, so we lost our place in line and had to wait another 15 minutes.

 

Well, I missed my flight thanks to f-ckin' Prostate Jones back there, and the last flight out to O'Hare is as full as his bladder, apparently. Thankfully, my BFF from high school lives in the city, so I won't have to sleep on the floor, or at least not the floor of a major international airport. That's one way to finally explore New York, I suppose. 

 

Go before you go, kids!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's so bizarre how of all the things we've invented and the cultural milestones we've crossed with our innovations, that the odd nature and massive, infinite frustration of air travel is now something everybody can relate to on a universal level.  

 

I guess you could compare it to the DMV, or waiting in traffic.  Strangers from every walk of life desperately ache to get from one place to another in the shortest time possible, some of which have no concept of manners, decency, or bodily hygiene, and often dragging their wailing, awful offspring with them, collectively and uncomfortably cram ourselves into a missile with wheels for an obscene amount of money.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, and this plane was full of New Yorkers! You can imagine the lack of manners, decency, or hygiene. This plane was full of babies and toddlers, especially in the back. Awful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was once on a flight from New Orleans to Houston, sitting in the isle seat next to a couple who had clearly been enjoying Bourbon Street the night before. The girl I was sitting next to was pretty severely hung over (and SUPER bitchy), but her husband/boyfriend/dude she was with looked like he was a few steps from death. Also, he was absolutely TERRIFIED of flying. He was sweating profusely the entire flight (while she bitched literally non stop), and I was pretty much certain he was going to either have a total panic attack or puke at some point during the flight. He didn't. He :censored: his pants. It was only about a half hour from landing, and luckily the flight wasn't entirely full so I was able to move (after being denied the request to move by the flight attendant earlier in the flight), but the last half hour of the flight I felt like Andy Dufrense escaping Shawshank. They let him off first (which, in retrospect, seems like it was more cruel to the rest of us. Why did we have to smell his :censored: longer than he did?), then immediately cleared everyone else out and delayed the next flight. I think the flight was continuing on to Memphis or Nashville or something, but I was on my way back to Phoenix so I was changing planes, thank God. 

2 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

One time I got stuck next to a larger fellow who happened to be sick. My seat also had a weird location wherein overhead compartment was especially low. So I was basically forced into this gentleman for four hours. Yada yada yada, I got strep throat that lasted for 10 days.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, DG_Now said:

One time I got stuck next to a larger fellow who happened to be sick. My seat also had a weird location wherein overhead compartment was especially low. So I was basically forced into this gentleman for four hours. Yada yada yada, I got strep throat that lasted for 10 days.

 

You yada yada'd over the best part.

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

:(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, the admiral said:

I was in Florida, had fun. I'm flying back to Chicago via New York. I didn't select the seat myself.

 

You were in Florida and you didn't even attempt to meet up with me? I'm hurt, General. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Air travel complaint thread. Nice. I had to travel quite a bit for my previous job. I miss it and I don't. 

 

My airplane/airport pet peeves:

- Provided you are a healthy adult and everything is in working order there's no excuse to use an airplane bathroom on a domestic flight. Prepare your body before you get on the plane. I flew from Baltimore to Seattle and didn't have to relieve myself. 

- When the plane lands stay seated until it's your row's turn to get up. There is nothing to be gained from standing up early and unless you're closest to the door you're not going to be the first off the plane. Don't hover over me because we will be there for at least five minutes. Also, don't jump ahead of a row if there's still people exiting in rows in front of you. Wait your turn. 

- armrest is war. You don't get two armrests. This is economy comfort not your private plane, pal. 

- If you're waiting for your bag you don't have to stand directly at the chute where they come out. 

- don't loudly talk on the phone in the terminal. 

- In security have your :censored: ready to go before you get to bins. I had TSA precheck when I was flying a lot and it was worth every penny, but before that I was a damn wizard in airport security. I was Clooney in "Up in the Air" in airport security - Slip on shoes, pants that don't need a belt, don't wear a jacket - sweatshirt they don't make you take off, all my loose pocket stuff goes into my hat (always wear a hat when I fly, it's perfect thing to pull over your eyes when you want to sleep). After going through the scanner I'm on my way to my gate in under 30 seconds. I am the Indy 500 Pit Crew of airport security. 

- Team Window Seat 4lyfe. If you make me sit anywhere else I will be crabby. 

- Old people in airports are the worst and somehow the same old couple is in every single airport I've ever been in and even more amazingly they have no idea how to travel despite literally having done it more than anybody else. 

 

Stories:

- On a red eye the guy 3 rows behind me got sauced up and groped the female passenger next to him. He was arrested by the air marshal and moved to the front of the plane. I spent part of the layover in Minneapolis watching the cops deal with him in the terminal. 

- On a Sunday afternoon flight from Cincinnati to Seattle I sat next to literally the most attractive woman I've ever seen in person. Gorgeous. It was a full flight and as the doors closed we both realized at the same time we were going to have an open seat in our row. We bonded over this and had an awesome conversation all the way to Salt Lake City. It was like a movie and a rare time where I came across as cool. She got on a different flight in SLC, we hugged, and parted ways forever. I never got her full name. I am stupid. 

- The exact opposite of that story was on a Southwest flight I was in the last row with an empty seat between myself and another passenger. There was maybe 10 open seats on the flight for the last passenger to choose from. The last passenger was a 6'5" man with a wet ponytail and he was wearing a sleeveless karate gi. He chose to ignore all of the other open seats, and sat in between me and the other passenger. My hopes and dreams were crushed and I was angry and uncomfortable for 5.5 hours. 

- Hit the trifecta on a Delta flight: fat guy spilling into me on my right, loud mouth douche bro talking behind me, crying baby in front of me. That was the last flight I took for that job before giving my two weeks. 

 

3 people like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is a good point. PreCheck is the best thing in the world and if you have the means ($80) you need to enroll. It sucks when an airport doesn't have PreCheck, but it's amazing -- AMAZING -- when it does. SeaTac is becoming one of the busiest airports in the country, and having the ability to bypass all those chumps is an awesome feeling. 

 

Thoughts on armrests: Window gets one, aisle gets one, middle gets both. 

 

Thoughts on reclining: Don't. If you do you're an :censored:. 

 

Thoughts on size: Buy two seats if you need them. It's not fair, but neither is the alternative. 

 

Thoughts on your child's iPad: I don't care if it's a lifesaver. Your kid needs to be wearing headphones. 

 

Thoughts on food: Don't bring your smelly airport food court food on the plane. Pay the $6 for the "tapas" box. If nothing else, it won't be greasy airport Wendys and you won't need to spend your entire flight in the bathroom. 

 

Thoughts on old folks on planes: We're all :censored:s for making fun of you for need to pee all the damn time. It'll happen to all of us and we'll feel bad later. But in the moment, your bladder needs bother the rest of us. 

 

Thoughts on bags: They'll almost always offer to check your carry-on at the gate. Please do this because it's better for everyone. Also, if you're planning to travel with a duffle bag, please pay the $40 for a cheap carry-on bag at TJ Maxx or Wal-Mart. It'll be easier for you to travel with, it'll fit properly overhead, and you won't be messing up the overhead system. Plus people won't avoid you because they're not sure you can handle being in an airplane. 

 

I'm surprised we haven't have an airplane travel best practices thread yet. There are lots of fighting words here, and I look forward to the fallout. 

1 person likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I actually like going to the bathroom in airplanes. It's a good way to stretch my legs, I try my absolute hardest not to bump in to anyone. 

 

But still, I am acutely aware that I am a massive jerk. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0