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MAXIM Magazine Rates Worst Sports Uniforms Ever

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Interesting thoughts by Maxim, but less than expert. That's for sure!

11. Toronto Raptors, circa 2001

Two words: Satan's jammies.

10. Miami Dolphins alternate orange jersey

A quick glance at the tangerine tint and mint-green accents would prompt one to suggest that these unis were designed by a roomful of developmentally delayed schoolchildren. But really: Who would give those kids access to needles, thread, and fabric samples? They're not even allowed to use straws without adult supervision.

9. Mid 70's all red Cleveland Indians outfit

Sure, folks were saying, doing, and ingesting some totally wacky things during the '70s, as witnessed by the brisk chart ascent of Wild Cherry. But Bianca Jagger herself couldn't pull off the red-on-red getup Duane Kuiper, Rick Waits, and their teammates were forced? presumably at knifepoint?to don.

8. Hartford Whalers, circa 1982 with long pants

The striped pants were one of many logical disconnects about the Whalers?the most startling of which is that, at some point in the history of humanity, the franchise actually existed.

7. Houston Astros, circa 1977

Perhaps the sole sports uniform best enjoyed under the influence of mild hallucinogenic agents. You gotta dig the strategic use of what the Gulden's marketing folks would call "golden brown" hues, though.

6. Minnesota Vikings, current home jerseys

We'd describe the team and its ever-purple threads as the on-field apogee of violaceous resplendence?that is, if we had the slightest idea what "apogee," "violaceous," or "resplendence" meant.

5. Detroit Pistons, circa 1999

The American people have been known to wear clogs and five-inch-wide cravats, yet they turn up their noses at turquoise-tinted, flaming-equine jersey motifs? Hypocrites.

detroit_pistons_2252.jpg

4. Cincinnati Bengals, circa 1980

Stripes on the helmet. Stripes about the torso. Stripes along the thighs. So many stripes. Dreaming of stripes. Stripes everywhere. Stripes.

cincinnati_bengals_2250.jpg

3. Andre Agassi, every match until he became a "Zen Master"

Andre was a lot more fun when he used to show up at the U.S. Open looking like a paintball refugee, wasn't he?

andre_agassi_2247.jpg

2. Chicago White Sox, 1960s/1970s/1980s?hell, let's just call it a lifetime achievement award

Say, is that a uniform number placed just south of your groin, or are you just glad to see us? Hoy-o! The test-pattern-ish horizontal bars, the semi-futuristic lettering, the collar-and-short-sleeve "special" jerseys (special in the same way that Ralph Wiggum is special)? After all this, they should take a page out of the Yankee handbook: one home jersey, one away jersey, and no special dispensation for those afternoons when David Wells or another self-appointed old-schooler feels like accessorizing his garb with either a game-worn Babe Ruth undergarment or a lobster bib.

chicago_whitesox_2249.jpg

1. Vancouver Canucks, circa 1981

If there is a God, Joan Rivers and Mr. Blackstone will be consigned to wearing these brown and orange, V-festooned monstrosities for all eternity.

canucks_2248.jpg

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Where are the Washington Wizards on that list? I reall thought they would've been in the top 5! God are those uni's ever weird

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Since when to tennis outfits count as "uniforms"?

Somebody should also inform the fine folks at Maxim that, in 1980...

uniform80_200w.jpg

Holy crap, Maxim, THAT CAME RIGHT OFF THE BENGALS WEBSITE! Now that's reserach!

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Consider the source.

MAXIM is more about snarky comments and porn-without-feeling-guilty-for-buying-porn than it is about accuracy, consistency, journalistic integrity or even the fundamentals of writing.

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The FHM UK edition did a piece on worst ever soccer jerseys. I'll try to show the pictures. It was cool because they did a can you name the team that wore this horrid thing contest? The team badges were blocked out.

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Erroneous dates aside, they did list some craptastic unis. The Vancouver Canucks one particularly reeks. Why that huge V is revered around these here parts i'll never know.

heh, for what it's worth, if it had shorter sleeves and its wearers played on Sydney grass instead of Vancouver ice, it'd be a classic.

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There may be inaccuaracies in the Maxime article but they most definitley got it right in picking the Canucks "V" monstrosities as the worst unis ever.

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Since when to tennis outfits count as "uniforms"?

Somebody should also inform the fine folks at Maxim that, in 1980...

uniform80_200w.jpg

Holy crap, Maxim, THAT CAME RIGHT OFF THE BENGALS WEBSITE! Now that's reserach!

Yep, I agree with you on both points. Agassi's hair is a "uniform"? Please!

And I've been watching the Bengals for over thirty years, and was unaware that the 2003-Present uniform was worn in 1980. Silly me - I should be more observant.

I somehow knew the Astros would make that list, but I also expected Bucco Bruce to be mentioned, as well. I loved the Buccs' Creamsicle uniforms, by the way.

And where were the 1979 Pirates?

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I can think of 10 jerseys that were worse:

1. Providence Bruins warmup jerseys, 2005-06 (black, gold, orange, pink!, with donuts and coffee logos on the shoulders)

2. Colorado Caribous, 1978 (two shades of brown, gold tassels sewn around the middle)

3. Tuscon Toros, 1980 (turquoise, avocado, pink, red, lime, yellow -- and orange pants)

4. Philadelphia Phillies burgundy home alternate, 1977 (one game, good-bye)

5. Dallas Mavericks dazzle pewter home alternate, 2005 (ditto)

6. Liverpool, 1986 (orange and slate gray)

7. Paraguay soccer, 2002 (was it orange? meat? no, it's copper!)

8. Birmingham City, 1975 (yellow center stripe with light blue on one side, brown on the other)

9. New Jersey Nets road, 1989-90 (swirling blue and white tie-dye)

10. Pittsburgh Steelers, 1933 (yellow and black stripes and City of Pittsburgh crest on the front center)

I could also think of entire groups of naff kits ....

... 1996 Major League Soccer (DC United excepted)

... 1995 World League of American Football

... The American League, 1973

... The original group of NHL third jerseys, 1994

... CFL jerseys from the mid-1990s that had the numbers up and to the side of the chest

... The entire history of the Chicago White Sox during the double-knit era until 1993

... The 2006 Men's World Cup

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And where were the 1979 Pirates?

In the World Series

Man, 2 in one day!

postofday.png

Waitaminute. You say the 2006 World Cup kits are ugly? Dude, statements like that here lead people to serving in penal battalions. <_<

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There are no regular jerseys worse than those Canuck ones.

There are worse alternate jerseys, or special occassion ones--but for regular jerseys--they are the worst ever. I could quibble on some of the others though, but I won't, except for the Whalers.

Yes the Cooperalls were awful, but with that jersey on top--they would get out of the bottom 10 no problem.

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when in the :censored: did maxim start to get into sports uniforms?

When they had some extra time after pounding their puds over their latest lingerie spread, and before they started an article about how to get any woman into bed. :D

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