Lee.

CCSLC Loveline

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Lee.    413
How do I get women to stop gagging on my penis?

It goes in the throat, not around it.

Hey, can I help it if when I'm hanging out at the bar women approach me like a bartender and ask if they can try a Penis Colossus?

Obviously, you should stop going to the bars on Opposites Night.

It's a known fact that men who brag about the size of their organs tend to be, shall we say, miniscule. Stuffing your underpants is no way to attract the ladies. Instead, become a famous rapper. Wear kevlar vests. Walk with a limp.

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Lee.    413
Crotch-sniffing is a much better indicator (remember: chicks dig smelling things).

But seriously, you'll know she likes you if she does one of these things:

Looks at you and smiles sweetly every chance she gets

Touches you gently on the arm as you talk about shared interests

Grabs your phone/PDA/whatever and enters her own phone number

Pokes her fingers through the hole in the wall at the adult video store to let you know she's in the next booth

Rolls up her sleeves to show you that since she's met you, she doesn't cut herself anymore

Any one of these is your gateway to young love.

Thanks she always grab's my arm in class,I'm ussualy the 1st person she talks to when she gets to class,and she always puts her head on my arms when were sitting in gym.

Are these any other signs?

No. Move in for the kill, tiger.

Report back, with pictures, unless she's underage. If all goes well, congratulations, and I'm glad I could help.

If it doesn't go well, please, start a new thread detailing all of the gory details, so that we may all wallow with you in your miseries.

Do you really think I should,We have been in a relationship before and it turned out as a trainwreck,She has said She has feelings for me,but I still dont know to what extent.What happens if this ruins our friendship?

Listen, champ, all you're doing is giving me excuses for not moving in and claiming the pootie as your own. The longer you take to stake that claim, the more likely she is to lose interest in you, no matter how fab your car is, or how much pomade you can fit into your 'do.

Women want a can-do, take charge attitude in a fella. If you're not willing to do that, then rest assured, the object of your affections will be hanging out with the auto-shop guys within the month.

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TFoA    41

I'll bite, since I figure the answers from the man have been so great.

Lamicus, what is your say on breaking up with a girl, but continuing to be "cut" buddies and what not?

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Lee.    413
I'll bite, since I figure the answers from the man have been so great.

Lamicus, what is your say on breaking up with a girl, but continuing to be "cut" buddies and what not?

This depends on the situation, really. Since you are, to the best of my knowledge, a negro, I will do my best to tailor my response to your own needs.

You need to understand, that as a black male, you have a massive penis (a real one, unlike Mac's imaginary friend). This is appealing to many chunky white women, since you will need the extra length to get past the celluloid. If you feel the need to keep the lady that you're no long exclusive to around for emergency sexual release, then so be it, but remember: despite everyone's best intentions, she will return to clinginess. A good example of this is Lily Von Schtupp, after she made violent love to Sheriff Bart in "Blazing Saddles."

In other words, sever.

*Editor's note: If I have been mistaken and you aren't black, then for God's sake, get back together with her immediately. Do you really want to go back to hanging around at arcades and anime conventions to try to impress another one with your "skills?" :censored:, no! Get her back! NOW!

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Lee.    413
This place is a great spot for getting topics and ideas. Someone should set up a CCSLC podcast on Talkshoe where we all could call in and contribute. That would be one wild show.

I couldn't agree more.

Also, Mods, please sticky this thread at your earliest convenience.

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TFoA    41
I'll bite, since I figure the answers from the man have been so great.

Lamicus, what is your say on breaking up with a girl, but continuing to be "cut" buddies and what not?

This depends on the situation, really. Since you are, to the best of my knowledge, a negro, I will do my best to tailor my response to your own needs.

You need to understand, that as a black male, you have a massive penis (a real one, unlike Mac's imaginary friend). This is appealing to many chunky white women, since you will need the extra length to get past the celluloid. If you feel the need to keep the lady that you're no long exclusive to around for emergency sexual release, then so be it, but remember: despite everyone's best intentions, she will return to clinginess. A good example of this is Lily Von Schtupp, after she made violent love to Sheriff Bart in "Blazing Saddles."

In other words, sever.

*Editor's note: If I have been mistaken and you aren't black, then for God's sake, get back together with her immediately. Do you really want to go back to hanging around at arcades and anime conventions to try to impress another one with your "skills?" :censored:, no! Get her back! NOW!

Thanks. I do feel that your answer and your suggestion is the best way to go. I also never knew that that's why I've got to beat all the fat white girls away with the ugly stick. Enlightening.

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vicfurth    344
In all seriousness, Mac, I am trying to provide a legitimate service to the young 'uns and internet males HURRR who might frequent the boards, that might have some trouble getting the pootie. A little decorum and a bit of class might make them a little less afraid to post their queries on wooing the fairer sex.

Although I appreciate your contributions, please, refrain from being so crass and graphic in the future.

Wow, Lammy. Didn't know about your softer side.

At the risk of losing what little credibility/respect I've accumulated in the past nearly 5yr., I will pose a semi-serious question (seeing as how I think I already know the answer). Really more of an opinion request:

This girl I've known for a while has recently "let's just be friends"-ed me, although admitting to being at least a little open to the idea of a relationship in the future. She even drove to the Subway I work at to eat lunch with me on my break. The kicker is that she live nearly an hour from said Subway and has said she wants to hang out together a lot again in the future.

I have my opinion already, but I wanted to know what you thought, Lammy.

She's obviously gay.

So much for serious answers? I thought I posed a serious question. :|

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ShinyHubCaps    25

Lamicus,

You have a great name, like a philosopher. Anyway, I am a 19-year old male who cannot talk to females. And from the 14 hours of TV I watch daily, I am under the assumption that girls like sensitive guys, but if that is the case, then why do they, in real life, like popular "handsome" guys, athletes, rich kids, etc., despite the fact that they don't listen to them?

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DG_Now    3,803

Where or where is the Arizona gymnast to help these fellas out? She made a man out of McCall. I'm sure she can work "her" charms on others here.

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Thad    63
Lamicus,

You have a great name, like a philosopher. Anyway, I am a 19-year old male who cannot talk to females. And from the 14 hours of TV I watch daily, I am under the assumption that girls like sensitive guys, but if that is the case, then why do they, in real life, like popular "handsome" guys, athletes, rich kids, etc., despite the fact that they don't listen to them?

TV lies. The ladies want a 'big strong man' now, but want 'mr sensitive & caring' with them once the ring is on their finger. They want the status now, but the security later.

Or that's why my girl told me she dated her 'mr popular' but is settling for me now. ;). I take the whole 'you have two ears, and only one mouth thing' seriously, and it comes out caring. (Not to say I don't care. The ladies just like when a guy listens to them, and doesn't want it to be all about him.)

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HedleyLamarr    1,281
Just to throw something out there...

Lamicus, where does one find the young ladies who believe in abstinence even through marriage?

The convent....

This, Hedy, is a fallacy. Thehun.com's many pictorials featuring ladies of the faith have proven time and time again that Catholic girls are, to put it nicely, "freaky-deaky."

That's Hedley!

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lets_go_red    0

Gonna have to bite...

Lamicus,

I'm 18 and just broke up with my girlfriend of 2 years (the one with brown hair, excuse my sloppy hair...i had just finished skating). pimpin.jpg

I did it cause well...I wanted to play the field, I'm playing Junior A Hockey next year...shes going to college and I just don't know if we could handle a long distance relationship. I know I'm relatively young, but she would make the perfect wife...in all honesty. My question to you is, get back together with her...and try to make the long distance thing work- or stay single until we can be closer again?

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DEAD!    320
Where or where is the Arizona gymnast to help these fellas out? She made a man out of McCall. I'm sure she can work "her" charms on others here.

She's in San Mateo, CA and works in Half Moon Bay. Does that help?

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Mac the Knife    267
pimpin.jpg

There's a third option here, the one you should take: you should PM me with her phone number immediately, especially if you want to play the field but potentially go back to her. As an 18 year old girl, she'll initially enjoy the idea of being with an older, more mature man such as myself. After a while however, the age difference will begin to bother her and she'll realize that while no doubt better than you are, a man nearing 40 has passed his sexual peak. She'll long for the days when the arms holding her weren't attached to such a hairy back, for a man who's ballsack didn't sag so much, for a man who isn't close to getting mailers from AARP. Then she'll be ready for you to return, my friend.

Oh, and send me the phone number of the other one, too. Looks like there's some good bread for the sandwich there.

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Lee.    413
pimpin.jpg

There's a third option here, the one you should take: you should PM me with her phone number immediately, especially if you want to play the field but potentially go back to her. As an 18 year old girl, she'll initially enjoy the idea of being with an older, more mature man such as myself. After a while however, the age difference will begin to bother her and she'll realize that while no doubt better than you are, a man nearing 40 has passed his sexual peak. She'll long for the days when the arms holding her weren't attached to such a hairy back, for a man who's ballsack didn't sag so much, for a man who isn't close to getting mailers from AARP. Then she'll be ready for you to return, my friend.

Oh, and send me the phone number of the other one, too. Looks like there's some good bread for the sandwich there.

You also need to remember that, as an older man, you will have extra cash to spend on motel rooms and the like, not to mention the fact that since you are past your sexual peak, will no doubt last much, much longer in the sack than an younger 'man.' You, Mac, are in luck, since you and your wife haven't shared a bed since 1998.

However, as Mac is speaking out of turn (honestly, would you take advice from a man who refers to his squirrel-like genitalia as 'a penis colossus?'), I'd advise that you send me the phone numbers of these two ladies (18 and over only, please; Canada is liberal, but I'm not about to get busted and sent to an Arizona prison for transporting minors). As my partner is also fond of attractive females, this would be a phenomenal opportunity to disappoint work with these gals in the privacy of my own home, once I can get my dad to watch the kid(s).

But back to your problem, sleep with both of these girls immediately, then go play hockey. Long distance relationships don't work, and within the week, she will be 'too busy' to talk on the phone with you. This means she's being passed around a frat party like a Nerf at a family reunion. Let her enjoy herself at college, just as you will no doubt be entertaining yourself with puck bunnies throughout the US midwest.

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Lee.    413
This should be a fantastic thread.

Precisely why it should be stickied immediately.

Lamicus,

You have a great name, like a philosopher

Like? Oh, please.

Anyway, I am a 19-year old male who cannot talk to females. And from the 14 hours of TV I watch daily, I am under the assumption that girls like sensitive guys, but if that is the case, then why do they, in real life, like popular "handsome" guys, athletes, rich kids, etc., despite the fact that they don't listen to them?

Because women don't have a clue what they want. I believe that the artiste de musique Joel Madden (or maybe Benji, I get them confused) once told us that, indeed, "girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money." Take heed of his brilliance.

The thing to remember here is, chicks dig confidence above all else. It doesn't matter how you look, or how much cash you've got, as long as you're a confident mother:censored:er, they will be on you like Oprah on a ham.

"But Lamicus," you whine, "how do I get confidence?" It's easy, dumbass! Aim low at first! Go after that nerdy girl who works at Barnes and Noble, or someone who's just gotten out of a long term relationship. Go to funerals- the gal in the black veil at the front is distraught, and only you can ease the pain of her loss. Biker bars are another excellent source of confidence building- chances are, one of the gals with "H A S H" tattooed across her knuckles is an expert at deflowering sweet young meat like yourself. Don't argue, just go for it. The more face time you get with Madame Ass is another step towards your final goal.

Also, work with local prostitutes to get your game down. Craigslist is a fine way to find these women as well.

Now, go get 'em, Tiger!

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