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Lee.

Let's redo rap lyrics as though they were written in Victorian English

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No explanation necessary. Find a rap lyric that you like, preferably not an entire song, and turn it into flowery English text.

I'll start.

So, with my champagne flute firmly in hand, I made my way to a group of ruffians and wenches and most assuredly informed them that the firing of their muskets would not be tolerated within these confines, lest I personally wrest their weapons from them and give them a solid thrashing.

Several of the women took note of my tone, and took on a most seductive look in their eyes; in retort, I advised them that in order to better befit the companionship of a man of my stature, they had best transfer funds over to myself posthaste.

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In your travels, have you ever encountered a female that you wish to court, only to learn that prefers to wait 365 days before consummating the relationship? Sit back, for I am about to tell you a yarn of an encounter I once had. It all began with a conversation with a young lass from the colonies.

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If I may please have the attention of any young females who may be currently acquainting these hallowed halls; I would like you all to know that although I am a denizen of another city, my intentions are certainly all above-board. Should you care to get to know me, you'll find that I am indeed a gentleman of character and many subtleties. Though Cricket is my game of choice, I am certain that I could strike a base-ball with the best athletes that Japan could possibly muster.

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hilarious.

wood burning stove, copper tin bathtub

When I was bereft of income, gentleman, I couldn't imagine such splendor

50 inch Van Gogh, money green horse-hide chez lounge

Possess two means of transport, a stagecoach with a chauffeur

factory coal bill, several thousand pence in excess

Need not worry, my accountant administers the book keeping

And the whole of my band of consorts is relaxing

reveling in each day, no longer forced to live in peasant squalor

reminiscing about my single room domicile

Now my Mother employs a staff on her own accord with a mink coat for the winter

And she delights in boasting about my steadfastly increasing success

Beams with happiness in every instance in which my name appears in The Daily News

We used to create quite the kerfuffle when the landlord would slander our names

There was never any warmth during the harshest of winter months, It's no mystery why Christmas passed without fanfare

Days of our birth were the most distressing

Now we indulge in champagne for refreshment

Uh, damn right I enjoy the life I live

'Cause I went from negative to positive

And it's all good...

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Times was good, and times was bad,

Bitches was wise, and bitches was mad,

Everyone is chillin' but no one trusts a ho,

White bitches was everywhere and sistas too ya know,

Obama gave hope but kids is still pushin the dope,

We can have it all, can't do nothin but crawl,

Salvation for some and damnation for all.

-Chuck Dicks, "East Coast vs. West Coast"

Am I doing it right?

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Times was good, and times was bad,

Bitches was wise, and bitches was mad,

Everyone is chillin' but no one trusts a ho,

White bitches was everywhere and sistas too ya know,

Obama gave hope but kids is still pushin the dope,

We can have it all, can't do nothin but crawl,

Salvation for some and damnation for all.

-Chuck Dicks, "East Coast vs. West Coast"

Am I doing it right?

Not even close.

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Times was good, and times was bad,

Bitches was wise, and bitches was mad,

Everyone is chillin' but no one trusts a ho,

White bitches was everywhere and sistas too ya know,

Obama gave hope but kids is still pushin the dope,

We can have it all, can't do nothin but crawl,

Salvation for some and damnation for all.

-Chuck Dicks, "East Coast vs. West Coast"

Am I doing it right?

Not even close.

:P

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I choose not to have any companions or associates...

However, this does indeed explain why I engaged in fornication with your woman, you corpulent, rotund fellow.

Firstly, a pox upon your woman and the kingdom you represent

When I ride, it is the Westside that I represent, and I come thoroughly prepared with game

You have weaved many a tale about your relations with numerous amounts of women, meanwhile I have had relations with your wife

We attack your kingdom of "Bad Boys," making light of your creed of "For Life."

Additionally, your compatriot Puffy tried to meet me at said point of attack, but I responded by riving out his heart

Biggie Smalls and the Junior Mafia are elementary opposition.

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Lee.. I love ya, buddy... but you have either drunk or smoked yourself retarded...

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The entirety of the cosmos is what I offer, but I fear it is not adequate.

Thou art aged enough to see through my statements of affection.

And if enemies came to take you in the morn, my grin belonged to you.

For sooth, submit to your wanderlust. Gallop among the mustangs.

Those mustangs cannot be tamed.

That was more difficult than I expected. I hope I did an okay job.

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Life is difficult in this locality for one who earns his lucre through the arrangement of carnal liaisons.

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A female is a female

So if I am peasant or squire

I pronunciate my poetry in a similar dialect

Furthermore, the title of "she-devil" shant apply to all females

However: all females are partially composed of concubine

Similar in regards to a plague, it besmirches their person

Absorbing the females of the Americas

Should her title begin with "B"

This can make a lady of stature surmise she is in some way superior to myself

Observe, miss: delay temperment, deny befoulment

Yet if your codpiece applies comfortably to your extremities, superb

This reduces my hearing unpleasantly

At such an impasse I salute her, however, she obstains from reply

My sweet, is your constitution such that I am too lowly for banter?

She-Devil, henceforth consume my feces and perish

Ice Cube is en-route and making great haste

Why? Because a she-devil is a she-devil

-NWA "a b*tch is a b*tch"

A b*tch is a b*tch

So if I'm poor or rich

I talk in the exact same pitch

Now the title bitch don't apply to all women

But all women have a little bitch in 'em

It's like a disease that's plagues their character

Takin' the women of America

And it starts with a letter B

It makes a girl like that think she better than me

See, some get mad and some just bury

But, yo, if the shoe fits wear it

It makes 'em go deaf in the ear

That's why when you say 'hi' she won't say 'hi'

Are you the kind that think you're too damn fly?

B*tch eat :censored: 'n die

Ice cube comin' at you at crazy pitch

Why? Because a b*tch is a b*tch

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Dear sir, could we reminisce of yesteryear

Previous to when I was adequately compensated for my occupation

Previous to my wealth having any consequence

Indeed, my erstwhile attempts to infiltrate the underground rail system

I formerly recited poems rapidly over recorded symphonies with no justification

Presently I recite poems rapidly over recorded symphonies to persist in germaneness

I surmise that if we can fabricate our inclinations from futuristic flying machines

There is a distinct possibility we could return to the aforementioned times past

-Robert Raymond Simmons II

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I shall escort thee to the purveyor of confections.

I shall permit that thee partake of a fine sweet.

Please continue, my noblewoman; let there be no cessation.

Advance in expectation of arriving at the locality, egad!

-Candy Shop, 50 Cent

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Good tidings, dearest madame, allow me to bestow gentle greetings

Perhaps share a morsel of gossip of the utmost quality

You have a shapely figure, your hindquarters appears bountiful

Would you allow me the pleasure of a grope? I insist on it's quality.

A trifling joke, dearest, unless of course you allow me passage

Truth be told, I am a crude ruffian of foul discourse

And I cannot acquire porridge if my teeth clench closed

So without further ado: apply suction to my crotch

You heard correctly! let us abscond to my bedchamber

At that time, you may proceed with suckling

Madam, you enjoy a nude frolic, positioned with hindquarters presented in a robust fashion

And you do so with much vigor, as the intercourse is likely to be unpleasantly brutish

I now insist you adjust your petticoat, as the hour of lovemaking is nigh

With this penetration of fleshy womb, prior men will appear much inferior

Despite any previous lovers, after me all squires weaponry will resemble that of small children

Observe my well-endowed genitals presently

I shall now empose a volley of fisticuffs upon your undercarriage

The Whisper Song by The Ying Yang Twins

Hey how you doin lil mama? lemme whisper in your ear

Tell you something that you might like to hear

You got a sexy *ss body and your *ss look soft

Mind if I touch it? and see if its soft

Naw I'm jus playin' unless you say I can

And I'm known to be a real nasty man

And they say a closed mouth dont get fed

So I don't mind asking for head

You heard what I said, we need to make our way to the bed

And you can start usin' yo head

You like to :censored:, have your legs open all in da butt

Do it up slappin *ss cause the sex gets rough

Switch the positions and ready to get down to business

So you can see what you've been missin'

You might had some but you never had none like this

Just wait til you see my d*ck

I'm gonna beat that :censored: up

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'Tis true, I am an admirer of the most feminine of hindquarters. In fact, I'd wager that several of my colleagues, when faced with a similar visage of such pulchritude, would have trouble averting their gaze.

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