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Lee.

Let's redo rap lyrics as though they were written in Victorian English

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I am aroused by large derrières, and unable to conceal this truth

Each of my fellow African-American males knows securely in his bosom

That on the occasion in which a woman enters the room carrying an abnormally petite abdomen

Whist simultaneously exposing her spherical object in such a position that it obstructs one's line of vision

His member abruptly compiles, and he desires to exhibit audacious, conspicuous behavior

Due to the fact that her buttocks are so ample as to seem artificial

Far into the depths of her azure trousers

By which I am captivated and curiously powerless in diverting my glare from

Oh fair woman, how I long to be your companion

And visually preserve your mesmerizing figure

My dearest acquaintances have cautioned me from doing so

However, your hindquarters has rendered me concupiscent enough to continue

Rear end, so level and unwrinkled

Did you mention that you covet an excursion in my Mercedes?

I hereby give you permission to do as you wish with me and my possessions

Because I view you as more than a run-of-the-mill clinger of men

Mine eyes have witnessed dames of this litter promenade to music

O, cursèd is fornication!

Damp sudor has accumulated quite thickly

So rampant is her perspiration that I liken it to the speed of a traveling rickshaw

Exhausted I am of prattling newsletters

Insinuating that compact fundaments are fashionable

Gather a commonplace negro and question him this

He shall concur with his shared preference of more substantial fanny

Subsequently, colleagues! (To what do I owe you, sir?) Associates! (At your service!)

Is it or is it not accurate that your significant other possesses the desirable tailpiece? (Absolutely!)

Command that she brandish it! (Brandish it!) Oscillate it! (Oscillate it!)

Flutter that staunch prat!

This doxy includes a gargantuan posterior!

My groin (resembling most closely some form of absurdly large reptile) has no need of your fornication, unless by chance you possess a shapely hindquarters, my dear!

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Yea, I wouldst rank thou quite highly on an attractiveness scale

Perhaps even higher after a fourth pint of ale

That azure tunic thou dost wear is quite pleasing to the eye

Thine skin tone may be too artificially orange, but verily thou dost rank high

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Yea, I wouldst rank thou quite highly on an attractiveness scale

Perhaps even higher after a fourth pint of ale

That azure tunic thou dost wear is quite pleasing to the eye

Thine skin tone may be too artificially orange, but verily thou dost rank high

Hehehe...OfficeGlenn...the true "OG"!

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We busted a few of these rhymes Elizabethan style on tonight's Impending Loom. Did it as a contest, reading the Victorian verse then challenging my co-host MC Mic Control (also a member of these fine boards) to guess the original. The b*st*rd went 2 for three! Kudos to Lee. and ChicagoShawn85 for busting some fine phraseology!

I know I'll get called out in the "Words (or phrases) that men should never use" thread, especially one so chronologically-challenged as myself, but this thread is chock full of win. Mad props to all who have shared their skillz...

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Verily! Cease those activities of which you currently partake and take heed of what I am about to say

I, Vanilla Ice, have returned with the latest brainchild to spring forth from my laboratory

There is something that caught me in its mightily powerful grip

My rhyming skills are streamlined like a whaling instrument cutting through the ocean's depths, both when the sun is high above and when it has tucked itself behind the horizon of the western skies

Will said skills ever cease to be so powerful over the course of my lifetime? Surely it is not for me to judge

However, if one were to extinguish all the candles in a given room, an eerie luminescence would emanate from my body

To the farthest reaches, I display my rhyming skills through an electret condenser microphone in the manner of a common street urchin

Said skills are so vast that they are known to illuminate entire theatres, as well as laying waste to those who would dare oppose me in much the same manner as an experienced candlemaker makes expedient work of his quota of wicks and beeswax for the day

damn you

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Trousers on the floor

Trousers on the floor

Appearing to be a fool

With thy trousers on the floor

With the gold in thy mouth

Thy hat turned to the side

Trousers hit the floor

Call thyself a socially popular feline

With thy trousers on the floor

Strolling downtown with thy trousers on the floor

Giddy-up! (I couldn't come up with a sustitute for that line.)

Greetings! Get thy trousers off the floor!

Appearing to be a fool!

Strolling and talking with thy trousers on the floor!

Greetings! Get thy trousers off the floor!

Appearing to be a fool

With thy trousers on the floor

With the gold in thy mouth

Thy hat turned to the side

Call thyself a socially popular feline

Trousers on the floor!

Note from translator: This may not be as funny as the others, since I'm not fluent in Victorian English.

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Correct, my child's mother contained a positive self aura similar to my own

Her hair is similar in length on thyne backside similar to my own

I make her feel well while she shant be similar to not telling the truth

Sir, she has never held ownership of passionate romance similar to the one I hath given her

And sir, I have not seen a derrière that shall compare to her own

And her female genitalia in my mouth had me unable to properly speak

I told her to move closer to me in reverse similar to a horse

And to partake in moving her posterior similar to a child's play toy

Then she preceded to tell me she views me as a sweet confectionery treat

Yes madam I do enjoy this activity

She spoke of how she viewed me as a sweet confectionery treat

Yes madam I do enjoy this activity

She spoke of how she viewed me as a sweet confectionery treat

Yes madam I do enjoy this activity

Smaller in stature lady spoke of my similarity to a sweet confectionery treat

Yes madam I do enjoy this activity

Okay, lil mama had a swag like mine

Even wear her hair down her back like mine

I make her feel right when its wrong like lyin

Man, she ain never had a love like mine

N' man I aint never seen a *** like hers

And that :censored: in my mouth had me at a loss fo words

Told her to back it up like erp erp

And make that *** jump like shczerp shczerp

And thats when she said I lo-lo-look like a lollipop

( oh yeah I like that )

She said I lo-lo-look like a lollipop

( oh yeah I like that )

She said I lo-lo-look like a lollipop

( oh yeah I like that )

Shawty I lo-lo-lookin like a lollipop

( oh yeah I like that )

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Hark! I am known as the commencer of celebrations

Dost may enjoy thineself, but mine celebrate in a more serious manner

Inform the minstrel to perform my composition

Our bodies shall succumb to the rhthym 'til the sun's first kiss.

Oh! I'm the party starter

You might have a good time, but we party harder

So tell the DJ to play my song

And we can dance all night to the early mornin'

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It comes to my knowledge that you wish to acquire the skills befitting an oft-admired minstrel

And to accrue and maintain an exorbitant amount of monetary assets

While establishing an estate that spans across the horizon, in addition to your collection of no less than five garishly-adorned carriages

All the while, the inhabitants of the surrounding counties cater to your every whim.

When a person of your rising social stature gains prominence amongst the peasants and noblemen alike,

You must never lower your guard when in the company of of any man?be they friend or foe.

A vigilant battery of scouting glances would greatly increase your chances of survival, as your worldly assets and high regard are fleeting virtues.

So you wanna be a rock superstar

Live large

Big house; five cars

You're in charge

Comin' up in the world

Don't trust nobody

Gotta look over your shoulder constantly.

Rock Superstar - Cypress Hill

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Whilst in mid-performance at a lounge of ill repute

An attractive sweet lass of bountiful bosom and dainty years eyed me with much delight and lust

Her desires were to join me upon the stage and perhaps engage in a waltz

I vehemently refuted, but instead offered mayhaps a later engagement in a private locale

As my performance ended, I escorted aforementioned damsel to my carriage

And to my delight, I found her pantaloons quite moist with little to no provocation

Being that we absconded, we found ourselves alone, she offered but a single anecdote:

"I require 50 pence to encourage frivolity and fornication with your groin, as I am a lady of means."

Wild Thing by Tone-Loc

Doin' a little show at the local discotheque

This fine youg chick was on my jack so I say what the heck

She want to come on stage and do her little dance

So I said chill for now but maybe later you'll get your chance

So when the show was finished I took her around the way

And what do you know she was good to go without a word to say

We was all alone and she said "Tone let me tell you one thing

I need $50 to make you holler I get paid to do the wild thing"

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It seems like forever that I submitted my request for assistance, yet those in charge have yet to acknowledge my cries. The apothecares seem to emerge from their domiciles in a manner that suits them, generally after it is too late for general care to be of worth, yet in time for the local mortician to begin earning his keep upon their fresh remains.

As they are employed by the fiefdom, they receive compensation regardless of their actual performance; any charges or complaints against them go completely ignored. Truly, they are the least capable of being trusted with any sort of procedural import. Should your very existence be threatened by circumstance, you would do as well as to simply wait for the eternal cold embrace.

911 Is a Joke by Public Enemy

Now I dialed 911 a long time ago

Don't you see how late they're reactin'

They only come and they come when they wanna

So get the morgue embalm the goner

They don't care 'cause they stay paid anyway

They teach ya like an ace they can't be betrayed

I know you stumble with no use people

If your life is on the line they you're dead today

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Praychance tell thy lady that if she has an esteemed confidant

that has her beauty and grace, and acts with her ladylike decorum---

Sir, dear friend, you must know what I am implying

Tell her to arrange a fateful encounter

tell her to arrange a fateful encounter.

If she has someone she holds in high-esteem, brother, tell her to arrange a fateful encounter.

If she has kin, brother, tell her to arrange a fateful encounter.

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Perchance you are feeling like a lord of regal esteem, I encourage you dust the upper arm of your frock

If yon females are of the same mind, I too encourage your petticoats be dusted

Beware the negro, for he is not of sound mind, be assured to remember my advice

Now please remove any rubbish that has taken residence upon the shoulder of your strolling cloak

Dirt Off Your Shoulder by Jay-Z

If you feelin like a pimp n*gga, go and brush your shoulders off

Ladies is pimps too, go and brush your shoulders off

N*ggaz is crazy baby, don't forget that boy told you

Get, that, dirt off your shoulder

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I think ChicagoShawn has found his niche. :P

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I think ChicagoShawn has found his niche. :P

LoL this thread is right up my alley. I read the title and immediately knew there was opportunity for some fun.

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'Tis no accompaniment at the pinnacle of success regardless of what thou do,

Thou must always be vigilant of less-desirable peasants around thee,

No person is impervious to death, no course of action can escape the whims of fools,

Every person is required to attend their moment of truth

"Moment of Truth" by Gang Starr

They say it's lonely at the top in whatever you do

You always gotta watch motherf*****s around you

Nobody's invincible no plan is foolproof

We all must meet our moment of truth

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While I can read Victorian just fine, speaking it is awfully difficult for me.

This is a tale solely about how my life was spun topsy-turvy.

So if thy shall spare a minute and recline presently, I'll inform thee of how I became the prince of the town known as Bel Air.

In the western section of Philadelphia I was born and raised. I spent much of my time strolling about the recreational areas.

Relaxing, socializing, reclining very nonchalantly and participating in some Basket Ball outside of the school.

Then a few troublesome gentlemen started causing unrest in the community.

I engaged in some minor fisticuffs and my mother was worried, and said "You are hereby residing with your aunt and uncle in Bel Air."

I hailed a cabbie and when it came near I observed "fresh" on the license and dice of the fuzzy variety suspended from the mirror.

If at all I could state that this cabbie was odd, but I thought "oh, dismiss it."

"Aye sir! To Bel Air!"

I arrived at the home at around seven or eight and yelled to the cab driver "Aye Sir! I shall inhale thy rancid odors at a later time!"

I observed my kingdom and I was finally there to rest upon my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

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