Coolisiana

RT @ruinedpicnic: [throws salt over my shoulder]slug behind me in line: dude what the

I will probably leave my DMs open for a few weeks and check periodically, and then I may just set the account to pr… https://t.co/JHpF5soyIF

RT @halloweenbears: Him: I'm a free lancer. Her: what kind of stuff do you write? Him (trying to hide medieval weapons and armor): uhhhh sp…

McDonald's breakfast: Oh hell yea gonna be productive today McDonald's at 2am: Lol living the life McDonald's lunch: I need psychiatric help

"Yeah we can do a black princess, just as long as she's a frog for most of the movie"- Disney

RT @NoToFeminism: I don’t need feimsn because I love kids, & all femisits LOVE abortions! Instead of going to get massages they get abortio…

RT @bobvulfov: ANNOUNCER: mike trout always crushes the baseballTROUT: *whispering to a ball* u have never made ur wife climax u weak lose…

RT @pumpkin_horse: #relatable #RelatableVine #mom #momsbelike that feel when!!! https://t.co/OdBBHrbQqP

RT @TheAlexP: *dog pokes me with nose**stop, it's late*(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)*ugh, ok*[sets up poker table for him and his…

RT @Seinfeld2000: Uncle leo eyebrows on fleek http://t.co/kVrzgzAixg

RT @jazmasta: DOC: We think you may have a phobia of marriage. Do you know what the symptoms are?ME: Can't say I doDOC: That's one of the…

3rd Rock from the Sun is on Netflix #score

Would the American version of Chappie star Jay-Z and Beyoncé?

RT @internetluke: Me (on phone to boss): sorry I can't come in to work today on acc-Boss: ...on account of we fired you 2 months ago. Quit…

RT @buttgh0st: [at club]DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE"WHAT?"[does stabbing and offering motion]A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE

RT @omically: what if humans were on Mars first and :censored:ed up so bad the planet died and all space exploration is just subconsciously tryin…

(Grocery store)Thanks *checks cashier's name tag* Gretel!*she parkours over counter & grabs my collar*"How the hell do you know my name"

"Jesus, take the wheel!"-me yelling at a hispanic contestant on a game show

RT @kingofcreame: bartender "ok i just need to see an ID"Charmander *nervously hands over fake* http://t.co/CQHPz2n3NP

RT @noog: My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he…

RT @lionprincessval: Cool Tip for how to get out of a conversation: pretend to be on the phone https://t.co/r58XGRr8gX

RT @Seinfeld2000: all jerys gfs http://t.co/WfXq8RKDS5

RT @jonnysun: if u watch a birthday partey backwards, a bunch of peopel cheer as sombody regurgitates a cake and sets it on fire

RT @what_a_messs: The first person to see the sun rise was probably up so early

"You clean up Good"-My Russian boss instructing me to clean his oddly-named battleship, USS Good