Coolisiana

What the flip was grandma doing at the sand dunes

Being 40 years old does not seem enjoyable

Ok, can't believe I'm doing one of these, but here we are https://t.co/ja9b3YcCxy

Before logging on to the internet at all: Well,, that's enough internet for me today

Missing this guy https://t.co/KPQdKpHEj4

Gonna make sure to drive really carefully and not eat any high-cholesterol foods until after December so Ill be sure to make it to Episode 8

@ELCresswell Who's me

@1flowerkid Ok. That will be thirteen cents

Guns suck from every angle

I'm retiring, from twitter

(To the tune of "it's 5 o'clock somewhere") Me (standing, eternally): The national anthem is playing somewhere

The password to my twitter account is the entire Declaration of Independence

@goodhairperson We are firends

You can ask me why I'm upset, but it has to wait until 2 am; to night

@sug_knight Thought my ability to cut a ribbon with giant scissors at a grand opening would be used more by now

Making sure nobody is awake to see this...I thought it was pronounced "Yose-might" Sam until I was 37 years old

Take my account

@Katdenning Utterly owned

RT @therealeatwood: Cairo Longing As Naadim desired every shadow; thus— insatiably, Nina— Edgar loves you.

RT @Coolisiana: *puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there's another hand in there already* *it's just my other hand*

I have now been divorced 3 times, took a job underwater, and flew to Vegas and won $3,000

*eats ravioli without an explanation*

❗️: DM me your favorite quote that will not have existed until you DM it to me. Best one gets published to Wall Street Journal (I'm its EIC)

.@cool_as_heck I have executively decided to never bring children into this world because of people like you

@iammatt26 *knocks really hard on wooded coffin* I still have never