Coolisiana

FRIEND: Try to relate to everything she says *later on date* HER: My dad was killed by a falling grand piano when I was 3 ME: Omg so was I

Lol at how Taco Bells slogan is Live Más when in fact their food decreases your chances of living longer is that a burrito made out of pizza

U order a meat lovers pizza. A large slab of beef sits at your table dressed exquisitely. "The guys in the back told me how u feel about me"

JUDGE: This family claims you murdered their son ME: He called Doritos "potato chips" JUDGE: *murders the rest of the family* Case dismissed

I am informing all that I have passed away due to natural causes. Please direct any and all further concerns to @TheTimmyToes

RT @Coolisiana: FRIEND: Be intentional *dropping my date off at her house, I accidentally crash thru her garage, killing her grandma* ME: I…

RT @jwblvd: *record scratch* *freeze frame* Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this simulation. https://t.co/BFB…

*increasingly decreases*

Who is she https://t.co/j9LqalMMaH

When you get caught trying to sneak out of a social gathering https://t.co/52HykqXgx1

When I was in 8th grade I asked a 6th grader "Haha how does it feel to be ELEVEN?" I felt terrible about it…that was the last own I ever did

@MaddiePolonus Imo's though

RT if u agree

Reason #1 why you should know your friends' jobs: Your friend (a pilot, unbeknownst to you): Can I crash at your place tonight? You: Sure

Thanks

Mail emergency spaghetti pronto

@yerpalmildsauce I respect that

What did I do differently

@SarahCubed ?

@SarahCubed Oh Sarah I just adore you and your sweetness ☃

Everyone at this airport is looking at me like I'm the only person playing a Game Boy Color here

(Watching Rio with my date) DATE: Gymnastics is by far my favorite event ME: *thinks silently for a full 75 seconds* I invented the Olympics

I have now committed to this new sleep regimen. It's where I get -2 hours of sleep per night. Very effective. No I'm not dead

@clit__romney I have been told this

In social situations I am the equivalent of an ambulance in traffic