Coolisiana

Would the American version of Chappie star Jay-Z and Beyoncé?

RT @ruinedpicnic: [throws salt over my shoulder]slug behind me in line: dude what the

RT @buttgh0st: [at club]DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE"WHAT?"[does stabbing and offering motion]A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE

RT @omically: what if humans were on Mars first and :censored:ed up so bad the planet died and all space exploration is just subconsciously tryin…

(Grocery store)Thanks *checks cashier's name tag* Gretel!*she parkours over counter & grabs my collar*"How the hell do you know my name"

"Jesus, take the wheel!"-me yelling at a hispanic contestant on a game show

RT @kingofcreame: bartender "ok i just need to see an ID"Charmander *nervously hands over fake* http://t.co/CQHPz2n3NP

RT @noog: My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he…

RT @lionprincessval: Cool Tip for how to get out of a conversation: pretend to be on the phone https://t.co/r58XGRr8gX

RT @Seinfeld2000: all jerys gfs http://t.co/WfXq8RKDS5

RT @jonnysun: if u watch a birthday partey backwards, a bunch of peopel cheer as sombody regurgitates a cake and sets it on fire

RT @what_a_messs: The first person to see the sun rise was probably up so early

"You clean up Good"-My Russian boss instructing me to clean his oddly-named battleship, USS Good

RT @chris_granger: Riverboat in #NewOrleans appears to be flying through clouds on a foggy day! @MargaretOrr #weather http://t.co/GYy1dkffwo

RT @internetluke: Me (on phone to boss): sorry I can't come in to work today on acc-Boss: ...on account of we fired you 2 months ago. Quit…