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Why Your Team Won't Win Super Bowl LII


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I've been wanting to do one of these things for a while, and CBSSports posting something that sorta, kinda, not really resembled a "why your team won't win" article was enough of an inspiration to finally go through with it. So here we go, reasons why your team, whatever it is, won't win Super Bowl LII. Yes, taken to the logical conclusion, that would mean nobody will win the Super Bowl. And yes, it makes no sense. One Final Disclosure: This thread makes fun of/trashes every team. Please don't get angry. It's not meant to be taken seriously...or...at least, too seriously.


Arizona Cardinals: They're more inconsistent than the tone of a Nationwide Super Bowl commercial. Carson Palmer misplaced his "how to play quarterback" handbook for a "how to turn the ball over" guide last offseason (seriously, how does a QB fumble 14 times in a single year?), and chances are he isn't going to suddenly remember how to throw the ball at age 38. Adding to the misery? This is likely going to largely be the same team that got blown out by the Buffalo Bills.


Atlanta Falcons: This team will actually do quite well for a Super Bowl loser. They'll be ahead by 28 points in the NFC title game again, and then Dan Quinn will have PTSD flashbacks of blowing two Super Bowls to the Patriots. He'll promptly order his team to punt the ball out of their own end zone every drive for the rest of the game and they'll lose in OT. Julio Jones' amazing catch involving a 20 foot somersaulting leap into the air will promptly be forgotten as the Department of Health and Human Services changes the universal choking sign to a Falcons' logo.


Baltimore Ravens: John Harbaugh will once again forget to field a defensive line and Joe Flacco will continue to randomly forget which players are on his team and which ones are playing defense. Despite that, the Ravens will still be in the lead until they allow late touchdown passes to lose every single game and finish 0-16. John Harbaugh takes a job at University of Maryland and then proceeds to beat his brother in next year's Big 10 Championship game.


Buffalo Bills: Terry Pegula will continue to have less and less patience for coaches. He'll fire Sean McDermott after they start 1-3, and then he'll fire the interim after he loses the next game, and he'll fire the guy after that when the Bills go down by a touchdown the game after. Eventually, Stephon Gilmore will just continued to exasperatedly look around for someone to blame as Chris Hogan burns him for five dozen touchdowns in a 121-0 Patriots' victory that finally causes Pegula to snap and appoint a drunken fan as head coach. The team will actually respond by playing better but still miss the playoffs.


Carolina Panthers: Cam Newton will continue to suffer war flashbacks to Super Bowl 50 and begin hallucinating Von Miller sacking him. With the offense producing as consistently as Mets' relief pitching in the postseason, the defense will struggle to keep the team afloat in a division featuring Matt Ryan, Drew Brees, and Jameis Winston. Carolina will miss the playoffs, and the referees continued refusal to call any personal foul penalties for late hits on Newton will lead Jerry Richardson to finally remove the dumb NFL shield from midfield. The one good thing to come from the season, I suppose.


Chicago Bears: After ignoring desperate pleas from Kansas City's draft room that reports claimed sounded vaguely like "Don't forget Matt Cassel...," Chicago will give up its first and second round pick to acquire Jimmy Garoppolo and hail him as the quarterback of the future. They will then promptly realize that the rest of their team still sucks and go 3-13 again.


Cincinnati Bengals: I honestly don't even need to explain why this team won't win the Super Bowl. I could just show highlights of literally any Bengals' playoff game over the past decade and it would do a better job than I ever could. Vontaze Burfict will probably punch Roger Goodell in the mouth or something and get the entire defense ejected for the rest of the season. Don't worry, Marvin Lewis will still keep his job.


Cleveland Browns: I just...ugh. They're awful. That's why. For further explanation, consult this.


Dallas Cowboys: The defense will still give up 30+ points to any good QB they meet in the playoffs. Jerry Jones will interrupt a MVP caliber season by Dak Prescott to suddenly trade back for Tony Romo and give him the starting job again. The offense somehow plays reasonably well until the playoffs when Romo breaks his collarbone on the first snap of the game and Prescott is too rusty to dig them out of the hole. More realistically, yeah, that defense is so bad that even Ezekiel Elliot can't save it.


Denver Broncos: John Elway has been congratulated on the job he's done at GM, but keep in mind this is the guy whose long term plan was Brock Osweiler at QB before Bill O'Brien suffered a near fatal head injury and decided he was worth $72 million. Denver still has no QB, and even if they get Tony Romo, the defense is no longer good enough to carry some aging quarterback's zombiefied corpse to another Super Bowl. I do look forward to the new team slogan though. "Denver: The Quarterback Retirement Home of the NFL."


Detroit Lions: Hard to give a reason here that isn't incredibly obvious. It's Detroit. If they have a lead, they will blow it. If they have expectations, they will exceed them, and then promptly let you down as soon as you get your hopes up. Whatever is needed for them to disappoint their fans, it will happen. Forget the Falcons, this team will probably blow a 100-0 lead as soon as they finally reach a Super Bowl.


Green Bay Packers: Everyone will forget to tell Ted Thompson that teams aren't allowed to play all time offense in the NFL, and he'll entirely forget about the defense for another year. They'll probably suck for half the season before Aaron Rodgers gets bored and decides to start playing well again, and then they'll make a playoff run before losing in another road playoff game because he didn't have enough help (or because Mike McCarthy decided to kick 5 field goals again). Ho hum.


Houston Texans: Easy. They've got Brock "5 Yards Per Attempt" Osweiler at QB. Their defense is incredible, but the entire offense is still a dumpster fire and Bill O' Brien now somehow has to excuse the ridiculous contract they gave to that guy. Whatever. They'll probably still win the AFC South and then get curb stomped in their first playoff game against a team that isn't starting a third string quarterback.


Indianapolis Colts: Everything that isn't Andrew Luck on this team is terrible. They finally got rid of Ryan Grigson (how did that take this long), but the team is still a good offensive line, defensive line, secondary, lineback corps, RB...ok, a good everything away from serious competition. And even if they do reach the playoffs, they won't go anywhere because their head coach calls plays like this.


Jacksonville Jaguars: They won't win the Super Bowl because their coaching staff is the one that decided to draft Blaine Gabbert over JJ Watt. That's all you need to know.


Kansas City Chiefs: These guys haven't made it past the divisional round in 24 years. On paper, this team looks more than capable of a deep playoff run. But the head coach is Andy "How does I clock management?" Reid, and the offense is still mediocre at best. One of those two will guarantee that these guys don't win the Super Bowl.


Los Angeles Chargers: Not gonna lie, I initially forgot to put this team up here due to the city switch. This team sucks. Phillip Rivers should demand some kind of refund on his contract. The Chargers lost to the Browns; that probably curses them to like 5 0-16 seasons in a row. More to the point, the offensive line can't protect Rivers and his receivers keep getting injured. Also, the AFC West is brutal now. A last place finish in a stupid 30,000 seat soccer stadium is exactly what Dean Spanos deserves. 


Los Angeles Rams: I wonder if the miniscule crowds at Los Angeles last year made Stan Kroenke realize that the reason no one was showing up to Rams' games in St. Louis wasn't because St. Louis isn't a good place for football, it's because the Rams are absolutely terrible. The offense is dreadful, Jared Goff is probably a bust, they don't have a first round pick to give Goff anyone to throw to. 


Miami Dolphins: Congrats! You made the playoffs for the first time since 2008. And you promptly got blown in the Wild Card round...just like you did in 2008. Now enjoy having the tougher schedule that comes as a result of finishing higher and getting your teeth kicked in just like 2009. Even if the offense somehow still plays well, that awful defense will guarantee they get nowhere significant.


Minnesota Vikings: When you start 5-0 and still miss the playoffs (and people write hilarious articles like these ones), you know there's genuine issues. Yeah, they had injuries. But they still won their first five games, and then completely collapsed. We have no idea who will play QB, and I'm not sure it matters. The offensive line is horrendous and neither Teddy Bridgewater or Sam Bradford has the talent to make up for it. Oh, and they're hosting the Super Bowl as well, so they're cursed.


New England Patriots: After winning two Super Bowls in three years, Bill Belichick will get cocky like he did in 2005 and try to see how many star players he can get rid of and still win the Super Bowl. After Rob Gronkowski's liver fails and Julian Edelman gets shot while pretending to be a policeman again, the Patriots will have to bring back Reche Caldwell, who will promptly drop 5 potential touchdowns in the AFC Championship and cost New England a repeat. Or maybe Denver will just kick the :censored: out of Tom Brady in the playoffs again.


New Orleans Saints: The Saints will continue to waste Drew Brees career by fielding a high school defense. Seriously, the only reason this guy has as many passing yards as he does is because he's having to throw 70 times a game just to try and keep up with the other team. I can't believe I'm saying this, but a defense has actually gotten worse without Rob Ryan. Anyway, that's the reason why they're not winning the Super Bowl. Kind of a shame, too, I liked their gold end zone in Super Bowl 44.


New York Giants: The devil appears to have finally called the deal he made with Eli in 2007, so this team is going absolutely nowhere. Odell Beckham Jr will make another couple ridiculous catches, pick a few fights with Josh Norman and/or a kicking net, and set the record for excessive celebration penalties. Meanwhile, the defense isn't enough to bail the turnover machine that is 36 year old Eli out, and the schedule's a lot harder this time around, so get ready for the usual transition back to mediocrity that always accompanies each playoff appearance from this team.


New York Jets: Keep in mind this team openly taunted the Patriots about signing Darelle Revis from them in 2015. That should be all you need to know, but in case it isn't, the Jets have no quarterback, one of the league's oldest rosters, a suddenly hole riddled secondary, a question mark of an offensive line, and, more importantly, they're cursed by Tim Tebow. They brought Tebow in only to have him sit behind Mark Sanchez the whole year. They haven't made the playoffs since. Can't fight divine intervention.


Oakland Raiders: The return of Derek Carr should be enough to distract everyone from the fact that this defense is absolute garbage until the divisional round of the playoffs. And while we're on the subject of divine intervention, chances are the Raiders will be struck down for Mark Davis being such a tool about relocating the team.


Philadelphia Eagles: Carson Wentz played well for just long enough to get Eagles' fans hopes up before the team spectacularly let them down once again. The Eagles truly are the Lions of the East. This team has no leadership, the secondary is horrible, and the team always makes big moves whenever things go the slightest bit wrong in an attempt to remain relevance. Howie Roseman probably cuts the whole team and brings in 53 free agents to play. Philadelphia isn't winning the Super Bowl because they can't draft, they can't develop players, and the talent just isn't on this team.


Pittsburgh Steelers: Provided that half the offense isn't suspended for smoking pot again, this team is going nowhere because Mike Tomlin suddenly forgets what press coverage is whenever he plays the Patriots. The Steelers made Chris Hogan look like a Pro Bowler. That defense is awful and their gameplans are even worse, and neither is improving anytime soon.


San Francisco 49ers: Boy, firing Jim Harbaugh sure looks like a bad idea now, huh? There is literally no position on this team that is NFL ready. John Lynch has a heck of a job ahead of him, trying to fix just about everything with this team. Maybe the first thing on the list should be fixing that terrible grass at their stadium.


Seattle Seahawks: Russell Wilson will probably miss a playoff team meeting after sleep through his alarm because he was up late watching 50 Shades of Grey again. Meanwhile, Seattle's offense is finding out that life is really tough without Marshawn Lynch...or anyone vaguely resembling a running back. Defense will be good enough to get them through the regular season just in time to get pasted in their first road playoff game.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers: This team has a ton of free agents: Vincent Jackson, William Gholston, Chris Conte, Bradley McDougald, so expect next year's team to look much different from this year's "almost good enough to make the playoffs" squad. The Bucs have maybe two quality receivers for Winston to throw to without Jackson, so this offense isn't doing anything. Tough to make the playoffs when you've got the worst offense in your division.


Tennessee Titans: I don't understand why everyone is so excited for this team. Yeah, 9-7 is great, but you lost a must win game against Jacksonville (and Mariota was injured long after that game got out of hand). This team subsists off the fact that they get to play in the AFC South. They don't excel at anything (other than causing Andy Reid to make more dumb decisions). Even if they make the playoffs, they're one and done.


Washington Redskins: They're still cursed by the 80 year old woman that Dan Snyder tried to sue. On a more serious note, this team talks the most trash I have ever seen from such a consistently mediocre team. These are the guys that bragged about winning their division with a 9-7 record. Washington has an average offense, a decent defense, and maybe just enough talent to keep Dallas from sweeping them this year again.

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New England Patriots: After winning two Super Bowls in three years, Bill Belichick will get cocky like he did in 2005 and try to see how many star players he can get rid of and still win the Super Bowl. After Rob Gronkowski's liver fails and Julian Edelman gets shot while pretending to be a policeman again, the Patriots will have to bring back Reche Caldwell, who will promptly drop 5 potential touchdowns in the AFC Championship and cost New England a repeat. Or maybe Denver will just kick the :censored: out of Tom Brady in the playoffs again.


He got rid of 2 star defenders & Gronk was on the shelf when they won LI.  Brady missed their first 4 games.

Soo yeah.


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9 hours ago, 2001mark said:

He got rid of 2 star defenders & Gronk was on the shelf when they won LI.  Brady missed their first 4 games.

Soo yeah.


Like I said, none of this is meant to be taken too seriously, although I personally am of the opinion that Belichick let too many big pieces go in the 2005 offseason (which certainly wasn't helped by Bruschi's stroke). I'm a Patriots' fan myself, so it's mostly an element of trying to poke fun at your own team.

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