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jus2damcrazey219

NFL Mock Draft

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It's just plainly stupid. :wacko::wacko::P (Going to the site link might be better than reading it here).

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story...mp;lid=tab3pos1

2010: The mock draft

By Gregg Easterbrook

Special to Page 2

Tuesday Morning Quarterback

BRISTOL, Conn., Feb. 27, 2010 -- Today ESPN is delighted to announce its new telepathic infusion feature, available to users of Microsoft's new Windows Subspace operating system. Just click on the icon that shows high-voltage electricity entering a human brain, and the entire contents of today's Page 2 will be beamed directly into your neocortex. It's fast, it's easy, and the advertising will be over before you know it! (Note: You must first click "I accept" to the disclaimer. Please do not read the disclaimer before agreeing.) To celebrate the arrival of 2010 technology, Tuesday Morning Quarterback forecasts the 2010 draft, to be held in New York in two months. An asterisk indicates junior-eligible.

1. LOS ANGELES BIMBOS: Tim Tebow, QB, Florida

A quarterback is a natural first choice for a new expansion franchise, and Bimbos coach Urban Myer won't be able to resist tabbing his own Florida star. The Bimbos' unusual ownership structure -- the new franchise is jointly owned by Creative Artists Agency, Paramount, Nike and venture capital firm Kleiner Perkins Caufield Byers -- means the funds should be available for Tebow's projected $1.28 billion signing bonus.

Godzilla

AP Photo/Damian Dovarganes

Matt Millen would draft him first if he was a wide receiver.

2. DETROIT LIONS: Arrelious Benn*, WR, Illinois

Following the Lions' third consecutive 0-16 campaign, fans continue to call for the ouster of Matt Millen. Detroit is now 24-120 under Millen's leadership. Despite a nearly empty Ford Field this season, the Ford family (which owns the Lions) just signed Millen to another long-term contract extension. "We -- must -- have -- Matt -- Millen," William Ford said with a blank expression on his face at the news conference, as Millen was observed manipulating the dials of a strange device. The new deal also gives Millen total control over car marketing decisions for Ford Motors. Millen has announced that all high-selling Ford models such as the Edge will be discontinued, and the company will roll out a new line of oversized SUVs called the Godzilla.

3. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: Tray Allen*, OT, Texas

Choice interrupted by the announcement that XM Radio, Sirius, DirecTV and JetBlue just merged to form a cutting-edge "stationary entertainment" company. The new enterprise, to be called Goin' Nowhere Airlines, will offer "so many hi-tech video and audio options that hours will pass before passengers notice their plane is idling on a taxiway," a spokesperson said.

4. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Jermaine Cunningham, DE, Florida

It's been a painful downhill slide for the Colts since their Super Bowl XLI win, though the recent signing of free-agent quarterback Rex Grossman has created some optimism for next season.

5. OAKLAND RAIDERS: Markeith Summers, WR, Mississippi

After firing coach Lane Kiffin three games into the 2007 season, then firing replacement Wayne Fontes, then firing replacement Tom Flores, then firing replacement Rich Kotite, Al Davis was praised widely for naming Debbie Messinger of Great Neck, Long Island, N.Y. as the first female coach in the NFL. "Sure she's 15 years old and has never seen a football game," Davis said of his new coach. "But she has a lot of fine qualities. For one, she was willing to take the job."

Tiki Barber

Bennett Raglin/WireImage.com

Ronde Barber signs with NBC.

6. TORONTO BILLS: Joe McKnight*, RB, USC

The Department of Homeland Security continues to investigate how three moving vans carrying Bills' equipment and office furniture were able to cross the Lewiston-Queenston Bridge between New York and Ontario at 3 a.m. without being stopped for inspection. (Here is the disclaimer for those seeking employment on New York-Canada border bridges.)

7. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Jai Eugene, CB, LSU

Controversy continues over the recent disclosure that for the last 13 years, Tiki Barber has played cornerback for the Bucs while Ronde Barber was a running back for the Giants and is now a co-host for "The Today Show." Ronde declared at a news conference yesterday, "They never suspected a thing." At least the Associated Press believes it was Ronde who said this.

8. ATLANTA FALCONS: Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma

Playing Michael Vick at middle linebacker was going surprisingly well, until the injury to quarterback Vinny Testaverde forced Vick back under center and the same old problems started all over again for coach Jim Mora Sr.

9. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS: A.J. Haase, TE, Yale

After Bill Belichick appeared on the sidelines in painter's overalls and flip-flops for the Patriots' most recent playoff contest, NFL commissioner Condoleezza Rice threatened to fine the team unless its coach exhibits "at a minimum, the personal grooming standards of a chimney sweep."

Kyle Chandler

"Friday Night Lights" -- NBC

Meet the Cowboys' coach of the year 2009.

10. DALLAS COWBOYS: Marvin Austin*, DT, North Carolina

The 'Boys posted a respectable showing in 2009 considering they were coached by Kyle Chandler, the actor who played coach Eric Taylor on the old "Friday Night Lights" television show. At first it seemed unnerving that Dallas owner Jerry Jones referred to his new employee as "Coach Taylor," rather than as Kyle Chandler. But gradually this caught on, and now the Cowboys' players actually believe the man running the team won the Texas 5A state championship with the Dillon Panthers.

Coors Light

AP Photo/Jack Dempsey

America's energy solution unveiled.

11. DENVER BRONCOS: Myron Rolle, S, Florida State

The Colorado economy has been booming since it was discovered that Coors Light can be converted into ethanol.

12. MIAMI DOLPHINS: Lee Chambers*, RB, Miami

The South Beach trendy set finally has gotten over the January 2007 defection of Nick Saban, now the head coach of the University of Saskatchewan.

13. WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Sergio Kindle, LB, Texas

Daniel Snyder has been a little distracted since being named Secretary of State by President Jenna Bush. At least after a few months on the job he stopped referring to the Cowboys, Eagles and Giants as the "axis of evil."

14. TENNESSEE TITANS: Ryon Williams*, WR, Florida State

After leading Briscoe High to a last-second victory in the Nike commercial, Williams had a solid career for the Seminoles.

Jenna Bush, left, and her sister Barbara

AP Photo/Ed Reinke

One can be president, the other vice-president.

15. BALTIMORE RAVENS: Josh Oglesby*, OT, Wisconsin

The Ravens have not scored a touchdown in three seasons, and you really have to wonder how long their defense can keep this club competitive.

16. GREEN BAY PACKERS: Carl Johnson, OT, Florida

Speaking to reporters last week, Brett Favre said he had not yet decided about retirement.

17. JERSEY/B JETS: Tony Jerod*, DT, Texas A&M

The once-youthful Eric Mangini has aged so much in four years of running the Jets he's now appearing in AARP commercials.

18. PITTSBURGH STEELERS: Akeem Hebron, LB, Georgia

Team officials expect Ben Roethlisberger to make a full recovery from the broken ribs, torn ligaments, root canals, pneumonia, dengue fever, brain surgery, lung transplant, skydiving accident, scuba-diving bends, whooping cough, bird flu and lumbago he suffered during the offseason.

19. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: Mitch Mustain, QB, Arkansas

NFL owners refused to approve the Chiefs' proposed relocation from Missouri to Kansas.

20. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Justin Boren, C, Michigan

Some family-values groups have objected to the team's use of porn starlets as cheerleaders.

Orange Julius

Julius Peppers' post-sports career -- owning an Orange Julius.

21. CAROLINA PANTHERS: Ricky Sapp, DE, Clemson

The Panthers are worried about their pass rush now that Julius Peppers has retired and opened an Orange Julius stand.

22. CINCINNATI BENGALS: Micah Johnson, LB, Kentucky

This year all Cincinnati draftees immediately will be placed under house arrest. As the Bengals' first choice walks up to the podium in New York, corrections officers will secure an electronic bracelet to his ankle.

23. JERSEY/A GIANTS: Jason Street, QB, Notre Dame

The "Friday Night Lights" lead character, who recovered in the 2007 season finale episode, went on to attend Notre Dame as planned and now will star for the Giants. Though it was a bit petty of Eli Manning to steal his girlfriend, Lyla.

24. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Aaron Hernandez*, TE, Florida

The team continues to recover from Hurricanes Ana, Bill, Claudette, Danny, Erika, Fred, Grace, Henri, Ida, Joaquin, Kate, Larry, Mindy, Nicholas, Odette, Peter, Rose, Sam, Teresa, Victor and Wanda, all of which struck New Orleans last year. (Note: These are the actual names the National Hurricane Center has reserved for 2009 tropical storms. Names reserved for later years include Hurricane Virginie, to be pronounced vir-JIN-ee, and Hurricane Igor.)

25. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: James Gregory, LB, Franklin & Marshall

The Seahawks' all-blue theme continues as the team has mandated that its players paint their faces blue for games, causing TMQ to rename this franchise the Seattle Picts.

Minka Kelly

"Friday Night Lights" -- NBC

Lyla's romance with Eli Manning will be a subplot next season.

26. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS: DeMarco Murray, RB, Oklahoma

People laughed when Britney Spears bulked up to 345 pounds and joined the Jags as a nose tackle. They're not laughing now.

27. CHICAGO BEARS: Thaddeus Gibson, LB, Ohio State

Lovie Smith's policy of firing an assistant coach whenever the defense allows a touchdown has led to a pretty lean staff.

28. ST. LOUIS RAMS: Apaiata Tuihalamaka*, DE, Arizona

Marshall Faulk's un-retirement was a hit with fans, but the Merlin Olsen comeback did not go as well.

29. CLEVELAND PINKS: Steve Weedon, LB, West Virginia

Traditionalists continue to be outraged that the Browns' name was altered as part of the league's attempt to broaden its appeal to women.

30. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS: Eric Berry*, CB, Tennessee

Plans to share a new stadium with the Raiders went awry when Al Davis made a last-minute demand that the Niners pay for joint laundry services for the two teams.

31. MINNESOTA VIKINGS: Vidal Hazelton, WR, USC

Patrons can shop while watching Vikings games at the team's new stadium in the Mall of America.

32. HOUSTON TEXANS: Luke Schmidt, FB, Notre Dame

Picking low for the first time in franchise history, the AFC champion Texans continue to celebrate the MVP award won by Mario Williams -- who proved them right to select him first in 2006 ahead of two now-forgotten players.

33. ARIZONA CARDINALS: A.J. Wallace, CB, Penn State

Marty Schottenheimer finally won it all.

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Yes. Gregg Easterbrook is an idiot. This column does nothing to change that reputation.

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:lol:

Man, that's sooooo f :censored: king hilarious -- especially with the Cleveland Pinks and the L.A. Bimbos and also the Jersey/A Giants and the Jersey/B Jets!!!

This is likely never to happen because its all a parody!!!

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:lol:

Man, that's sooooo f :censored: king hilarious -- especially with the Cleveland Pinks and the L.A. Bimbos and also the Jersey/A Giants and the Jersey/B Jets!!!

This is likely never to happen because its all a parody!!!

*slap*

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*slap*

I concur.

Seriously, Easterbrook's called them Jersey/A and Jersey/B since his days at Slate. And it isn't to be funny either...

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ooooohhh... I can just imagine the angry e-mails Gregg will get from Buffalo.... The Toronto Bills :lol:

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Well as hilarious as this article is, there's one thing that makes him lose credibility altogether.... the Cards winning the Super Bowl. Maybe in 3010, but not 2010.

:lol::lol::lol:

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:lol:

Man, that's sooooo f :censored: king hilarious -- especially with the Cleveland Pinks and the L.A. Bimbos and also the Jersey/A Giants and the Jersey/B Jets!!!

This is likely never to happen because its all a parody!!!

Your insight is ASTOUNDING

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*slap*

I concur.

Seriously, Easterbrook's called them Jersey/A and Jersey/B since his days at Slate. And it isn't to be funny either...

SERIOUSLY... it IS funny!!!

That means you should be laughing too!

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*slap*

I concur.

Seriously, Easterbrook's called them Jersey/A and Jersey/B since his days at Slate. And it isn't to be funny either...

SERIOUSLY... it IS funny!!!

That means you should be laughing too!

*slap* *slap* *kick*

Try again idiot.

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*slap*

I concur.

Seriously, Easterbrook's called them Jersey/A and Jersey/B since his days at Slate. And it isn't to be funny either...

SERIOUSLY... it IS funny!!!

That means you should be laughing too!

Just go away.

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*slap*

I concur.

Seriously, Easterbrook's called them Jersey/A and Jersey/B since his days at Slate. And it isn't to be funny either...

SERIOUSLY... it IS funny!!!

That means you should be laughing too!

Just go away.

Not if you go away first :P

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*slap*

I concur.

Seriously, Easterbrook's called them Jersey/A and Jersey/B since his days at Slate. And it isn't to be funny either...

SERIOUSLY... it IS funny!!!

That means you should be laughing too!

*slap* *slap* *kick*

Try again idiot.

*punch* *punch* *punch*

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