Coolisiana

"Jesus, take the wheel!"-me yelling at a hispanic contestant on a game show

"Sir are u sure u want that crappy TV instead of this HD one?" *imagines exclusively playing Guitar Hero II til I die of natural causes* Yes

"What's ur stance on abortion?" *remembers all the times I aborted talking to a pretty girl* It's a way of life really "Um that's a paradox"

"Yeah we can do a black princess, just as long as she's a frog for most of the movie"- Disney

"You clean up Good"-My Russian boss instructing me to clean his oddly-named battleship, USS Good

(First date) HER: You know, you don't have to do this to impress me ME (ripped to shreds by a Great White shark and strewn about the beach):

(Grocery store)Thanks *checks cashier's name tag* Gretel!*she parkours over counter & grabs my collar*"How the hell do you know my name"

(Party) Mom? I need you to come pick me up "Honey, you moved 1,000 miles away from me 10 years ago. That's your own house party" I'm nervous

(Shark Tank) I say we implement a real-life Lakitu to immediately alleviate car accidents from traffic "How'd u make the cut to be on here"

(Speed dating) Let's simultaneously ask a question we think is important "Ok go what do you aspire t-" Who's ur fav Mario characterWALUIGI

@adiablo20 u mean oh HELL yea

@BaconShark U are a good pal thank you ma'am

@BaconShark You just know how things work around here

@BaconShark You mean upsides

@batkaren I missed last night and its too early so here's a 17 month old pic of me & my girl (we're still together) https://t.co/0DxIo6x3Iz

@Bryainiac Owned

@goodhairperson Pls teach me how to human

@GretchenLilj you're just saying that because you think it's funny.

@Happenstance8 No

@hoedeehoe Thank you friend :)

@House_Feminist It means you're the chosen one

@iLikeCatShirts @SteveSuckington @Pro_Jones_ @KLobstar I think a moderate percentage of these guys are satisfactory

@imdaintyaf Hello look at all this frickin food https://t.co/cAidubogIx

@MaddiePolonus I bet if I looked I'd have seen a girl watching other people drive but I don't watch other people drive

@MiltonBradleigh Mario is definitely the best