Coolisiana

@nbadag Buddy it's tweets like yours that inspire this. I also need some better anti perspirant

@pixelatedboat What the hell man I'm not on that season yet

@PretendMaker Get out Jared

@sarahjoyshockey Oh noes

*gets John Mayer to play for me finally getting out of bed at 3PM on a Thursday*

*Pronounces Beyoncé as Bee-once*

*sets alarm for 5:45am* "Uh dude tomorrow's Saturday" This is for Monday *sleeps unadulterated for 53 hours straight*

*wife gives birth and begins talking to the baby in a sweet voice* ME: Umm I don't think it can understand you

3rd Rock from the Sun is on Netflix #score

Alright who the hell is messing with me https://t.co/WICEO8ZmP2

Dead is, me

Facebook, A.K.A https://t.co/aSJMuc6PBo

GIRL: It's really attractive when a guy can fix cars ME: *holding a large pair of scissors* Where are this one's testes

Guns

Have a feeling your followers don't care about or read anything you post? Tweet something factually incorrect

https://t.co/PG78WHf4SH

Hugs were probably invented because some person got tired of small stress relievers and needed something bigger to squeeze

I am very bad at mustering up the courage to use someone's name when talking to them in person, but not in text. Thank you it's 1:13AM

I have a serious question of where does the support come from

I just had to scrape a tiny bit of ice off my windshield for the first time in like 4 years life is so hard

I wish I could say I just scheduled tweets to fly out at 3am but I'd genuinely be lying. I wake up for this

I'm at my least New Orleans on Mardi Gras weekend when people all around begin getting drunk at 6am

I'm doing that thing again where I stay up way past scheduled because I think I can still be impactful on Twitter

I'm so tired I could eat a horse

Is it a good morning?