Coolisiana

Making sure nobody is awake to see this...I thought it was pronounced "Yose-might" Sam until I was 37 years old

I feel like Anakin in Revenge of the Sith right when Palpatine reveals himself as the Sith Lord

@markhoppus Pass away

*tries to throw a grenade to the opposing side but it just recoils off the back of the backboard, killing me*

*waking up, hungover-like* I was the one who started the clapping

I can now with confidence say that I am from Boston

What the flip was grandma doing at the sand dunes

Missing this guy https://t.co/KPQdKpHEj4

Gonna make sure to drive really carefully and not eat any high-cholesterol foods until after December so Ill be sure to make it to Episode 8

@ELCresswell Who's me

@1flowerkid Ok. That will be thirteen cents

Guns suck from every angle

@sug_knight Thought my ability to cut a ribbon with giant scissors at a grand opening would be used more by now

RT @Coolisiana: Some less popular phrases invented by the guy who coined "head over heels in love" • Skin-colored with envy • A penny saved…

Take my account

@Katdenning Utterly owned

RT @therealeatwood: Cairo Longing As Naadim desired every shadow; thus— insatiably, Nina— Edgar loves you.

RT @Coolisiana: *puts my hand in a popcorn bucket only to notice there's another hand in there already* *it's just my other hand*

I have now been divorced 3 times, took a job underwater, and flew to Vegas and won $3,000

*eats ravioli without an explanation*

❗️: DM me your favorite quote that will not have existed until you DM it to me. Best one gets published to Wall Street Journal (I'm its EIC)

.@cool_as_heck I have executively decided to never bring children into this world because of people like you

@iammatt26 *knocks really hard on wooded coffin* I still have never

@Prof_Hinkley Yes

Ok so apparently using the word "placenta" more than 10 times on a date at your girlfriend's parents' house is detrimental