Coolisiana

U order a meat lovers pizza. A large slab of beef sits at your table dressed exquisitely. "The guys in the back told me how u feel about me"

HER: I had a really great time tonight ME: *thinking about how I reserved the word "great" for when I see dingos in person* Ok

@roostermustache Get the heck off my brand

@adiablo20 Stop this

RT @Coolisiana: (Former dentist committing his first murder) Any last words? *shoves gun in victim's mouth before he can get a word out*

@punmagnate Thanks

PSA: Wheelchairs do not make good bathtubs. Thank you for your consideration however. Is that a steak knife

My eyelids are heavy, but my brain is alert, focused, CAPTIVATED by the bag of croutons in my kitchen

(2037) *invents a car that literally projects entire widescreen movies onto the windshield* *zero people object whatsoever*

@clit__romney Yesss I have adopted it as my new #brand now ya feel

@OneTrickTofani Are u making fun of me

FRIEND: Try to relate to everything she says *later on date* HER: My dad was killed by a falling grand piano when I was 3 ME: Omg so was I

Lol at how Taco Bells slogan is Live Más when in fact their food decreases your chances of living longer is that a burrito made out of pizza

Thanks

JUDGE: This family claims you murdered their son ME: He called Doritos "potato chips" JUDGE: *murders the rest of the family* Case dismissed

I am informing all that I have passed away due to natural causes. Please direct any and all further concerns to @TheTimmyToes

RT @Coolisiana: FRIEND: Be intentional *dropping my date off at her house, I accidentally crash thru her garage, killing her grandma* ME: I…

RT @jwblvd: *record scratch* *freeze frame* Yep, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this simulation. https://t.co/BFB…

*increasingly decreases*

Who is she https://t.co/j9LqalMMaH

When you get caught trying to sneak out of a social gathering https://t.co/52HykqXgx1

When I was in 8th grade I asked a 6th grader "Haha how does it feel to be ELEVEN?" I felt terrible about it…that was the last own I ever did

@MaddiePolonus Imo's though

RT if u agree

Reason #1 why you should know your friends' jobs: Your friend (a pilot, unbeknownst to you): Can I crash at your place tonight? You: Sure