Coolisiana

Ever have pizza so good you have to shower afterwards? My life is a soon-to-be-over sojourn

Everyone at this airport is looking at me like I'm the only person playing a Game Boy Color here

Freedom looms, on the horizon, which nears

FRIEND: Try to relate to everything she says *later on date* HER: My dad was killed by a falling grand piano when I was 3 ME: Omg so was I

Gonna make sure to drive really carefully and not eat any high-cholesterol foods until after December so Ill be sure to make it to Episode 8

Guns suck from every angle

HER: I had a really great time tonight ME: *thinking about how I reserved the word "great" for when I see dingos in person* Ok

https://t.co/6hJbV5ZRAN

I am informing all that I have passed away due to natural causes. Please direct any and all further concerns to @TheTimmyToes

I can now with confidence say that I am from Boston

I feel like Anakin in Revenge of the Sith right when Palpatine reveals himself as the Sith Lord

I have decided to die. Thank you for the support

I have now been divorced 3 times, took a job underwater, and flew to Vegas and won $3,000

I have now committed to this new sleep regimen. It's where I get -2 hours of sleep per night. Very effective. No I'm not dead

I just saw the hottest girl ever. I probably should've tried to help put the fire out but the extinguisher was all the way in the next room

I may have only been awake for an hour, but I've been woke for 23 years

I will probably leave my DMs open for a few weeks and check periodically, and then I may just set the account to pr… https://t.co/JHpF5soyIF

I'm retiring, from twitter

I'm sorry I'm trying to remove it* - - - - *my account

I'm very tired, but in a good way. Thinking about deleting this account soon

If my contact name in your phone isn't Lou Easy, then desafortunadamente no

If you have a gun, please destroy me

In social situations I am the equivalent of an ambulance in traffic

Is it a good morning?

JUDGE: This family claims you murdered their son ME: He called Doritos "potato chips" JUDGE: *murders the rest of the family* Case dismissed