_52340

Raspberries are the bubble wrap of fruit.

FRIEND: Keep talking and my friend’s gonna whoop your ass ME: https://t.co/8hdClyyGXl

This is a ride. https://t.co/YSSxV97nO6

The saxophone on this DMV hold music is hogging the solo. Let the marimba get a few bars.

*Wife holding tired baby* ME: *holding new bass clarinet* Yeah, I was thinking it'd be a tight squeeze.

RT @AlexSkinner: The year is 2018. The unemployment rate is 99% Everyone has lost their job due to sexual assault accusations Donald Trump…

You should know that I, too, thought about purchasing 21st Century Fox. I decided against it when I was escorted out of their lobby.

Every quitting Twitter employee now has the blueprint. https://t.co/JlJXo656bM

Thank you. https://t.co/6Sm9cig8Dz

@thealankwan Don't tell me...

Knew all the preseason worries would fade during the regular season. 2-0

RT @TheSmarmyBum: W cracking a joke to Obama while Clinton gives a speech is me in middle school https://t.co/Sw6uQwXRcf

@joesuds @Dodgers ??? https://t.co/l0bDanjR7t

This tweet is doing well in Nebraska and Kansas, where 90% of the country's cards are declined, apparently. https://t.co/Ov7R5MXem8

@MarfSalvador Here’s one, maybe... https://t.co/CZWNxpQmSR

@SopanDeb I get my news from the finest news source: The Grunion.

Janet? (@DarcyCarden) Can you end this inning?

@ScottHoward42 Pessimistic Sports fan and whatever you do with @sreekyshooter

Imagine not doing drugs and saying this. https://t.co/j0l62Exgp2

Allow me to be the thousandth to say, the Price was wrong.

280 characters: Nicole Kidman's Emmy Speech 140 characters: Sterling K Brown's Emmy Speech

(At Imagine Dragons concert) ME: I'm up to like...7 dragons. Now what?

Why did no one tell me #TheGoodPlace returned today?

Sterlinggggggg

How many Green Goblins do we need? https://t.co/Z2jxuZdfMT