Coolisiana

*wife gives birth and begins talking to the baby in a sweet voice* ME: Umm I don't think it can understand you

@hoedeehoe Thank you friend :)

I wish I could say I just scheduled tweets to fly out at 3am but I'd genuinely be lying. I wake up for this

What will I wake up and tweet at 3am THIS time? Stay tuned

RT @iamspacegirl: *tapping on your bedroom window* HELLO I NOTICED THAT YOU KEPT TWEETING AFTER YOU SAID GOODNIGHT TO ME

https://t.co/PG78WHf4SH

*gets John Mayer to play for me finally getting out of bed at 3PM on a Thursday*

"What's ur stance on abortion?" *remembers all the times I aborted talking to a pretty girl* It's a way of life really "Um that's a paradox"

Hugs were probably invented because some person got tired of small stress relievers and needed something bigger to squeeze

I have a serious question of where does the support come from

@GretchenLilj you're just saying that because you think it's funny.

@nbadag Buddy it's tweets like yours that inspire this. I also need some better anti perspirant

@BaconShark U are a good pal thank you ma'am

RT @AnOrangeSNES: FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote! ME: This reminds me of a time FRIEND: No, not a…

RT @punmagnate: Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity

(Speed dating) Let's simultaneously ask a question we think is important "Ok go what do you aspire t-" Who's ur fav Mario characterWALUIGI

(First date) HER: You know, you don't have to do this to impress me ME (ripped to shreds by a Great White shark and strewn about the beach):

@MiltonBradleigh Mario is definitely the best

This used to be on my Favstar

(Shark Tank) I say we implement a real-life Lakitu to immediately alleviate car accidents from traffic "How'd u make the cut to be on here"

RT @novixv: GROSS! A mouth breather! He breathes with his mouth. He looks at stuff with his eyes. He's an ear hearer! A nose smeller I bet!…

I'm doing that thing again where I stay up way past scheduled because I think I can still be impactful on Twitter

@Happenstance8 No

(Party) Mom? I need you to come pick me up "Honey, you moved 1,000 miles away from me 10 years ago. That's your own house party" I'm nervous

Facebook, A.K.A https://t.co/aSJMuc6PBo