CS85

THANKS OBAMA

"I've got this email, which I didn't write, from a guy, who I found interesting, and this email, which is relevant, goes as such, in just a moment, here's the email, which isn't mine:"

"Ya know" clearly indicates that these aren't prepared statements.

It was Colonel Mustard in the City Council Chamber with the Tedious Speech.

I missed what everyone was laughing at. Fill me in. Seriously. OH WE'RE GETTING FIRED UP NOW! LIGHT EM UP UP UP

Are "liquidated damages" comparable to spilling some root beer on my sweatpants? Because it's not 12 years ago? Hasn't stopped Jets fans.

Why isn't anyone in the crowd chanting, "WHAT?!" between statements?

"...and here we have a picture of Mike Smith banging a $30 crackwhore behind a Glendale Burger King, clearly stimulating the local economy."

Have they started passing out ether-soaked rags yet?

edit: lol @ "Young Boob Woman."

The people calling out names sound like they would rather be buried alive than do this.

We need a Zod-like finish to this, where we put the franchise into some infinite space-traveling shard, ne'er to be seen or discussed again.

In turn I will irrationally blame Cristobal Huet and Rusty Olesz.

Well, WMVP is reporting that Rocky says the Blackhawks aren't turning a profit... I'm not Mr. Numbers, but isn't that in part to revenue sharing with money pits like Florida, Phoenix, etc?

We all know how this story ends.

You know how I know you aren't from here? Is my computer slow or is that one not animated? It's a rare non-gif.

You know how I know you aren't from here?

Here is the best solution for this problem, told in the form of fiction: The Phoenix Coyotes smiled dumbly, immune to the flies that swarmed thick in the muggy woodland air. "You just sit tight," muttered Gary as he secured the rope around the trunk of a stately elm. This was a good spot: several miles from the house, and the trees would muffle the sound. Gary turned to load the cartridge. "Welp, I wish there was another way, old friend." The sun danced off of the steel barrels. The Phoenix Coyotes slobbered stupidly, a cunning look emanating from his rheumy eyes seemed almost spiteful to the same master who fought so hard to keep him. Not this time. Gary raised the shotgun and set his sights. The only sound in the oppressive heat was the din of Shane Doans chirping and the distant crunches of Mike Smith sticks. The shot rang out as mediocre players scattered out of the branches of the leafy locker rooms. His aim was true. --- When he arrived home, his son met him at the back porch. Gary was surprised to see no tears. His boy smiled. The child ran into the house shouting joyfully, "Dad did it! He finally killed it! YIPPEE!"

It's certainly got that Winnipeg/Atlanta feel.

The Burke Family Foundation has donated $450,000 to the Scottsdale-based Coyotes Amateur Hockey Association to sponsor local teams, aid families with travel and equipment costs and help keep top hockey prospects in state. Richard Burke was part of the group that bought the Winnipeg Jets and moved the franchise to Phoenix in 1996. Burke — who serves on the board of UnitedHealth Group and was previously that company’s CEO — sold the team to developer and digital billboard executive Steve Ellman in 2000. The charitable donation will sponsor Junior Coyotes youth teams with players between 16 and 18 years of age. They travel to out-of-state tournaments and play at the Ice Den in Scottsdale. “Our support of this program aims to ensure that talented hockey players in Arizona won’t feel the need to leave our state in search of more competitive hockey,” said Taylor Burke, president of the Burke Family Foundation. http://www.bizjournals.com/phoenix/news/2013/06/05/former-coyotes-owner-gives-450000-to.html

Ha! Liked your post, Cap! You're screwed now.